迷惘

Things are not good.
Definitely not looking up.
I try so hard to function normally, but constantly struggle.
One of the reason I don't share my thoughts a lot, first of all, I'm very embarrassed.
Or rather, I'm ashamed.
I don't understand how I don't have the strength to do even the most basic of human beings,
to survive.
I don't have anything that I hate.
I don't have anything that I like too.
I just told a friend of mine in a birthday greeting sort of phone call, jokingly, that I have an existential crisis, I don't want to do anything, I just want to exist, but hell, if truth be told, I don't even want to exist.
I am a failure.
I am weak.
I can't amount to anything.
but I'm a master of disguise, people look at me and think positivity.
I smile. I crack jokes. I encourage.
Because it's too painful to be like me.
Why? I have no reason to be so depressed. But I am.
And I can't help it.
I don't know when will I crack.
In fact, I don't know anything anymore.
Life Sucks. I Suck.
I distance myself from everyone because I'm not worth having around.
You, my friend, as you're reading this, have absolutely no idea how much I wish for an accident to happen and just end me. Because, I can't find meanings. But I act like I do.
You know who I relate to? Robbin Williams. But at least he put smiles on people's faces.
Who can I do?

today

很多时候，很多事情，我们都是当局者迷的。 当生老痛死发生在别人的身上时，都算是正常的，然，当发生在自己身边的人时，就不禁会感慨世事的无常。人生的下一步根本一直都自已始料未及的。所以，遗憾亦然是人之常情。人，无法完全不辜负任何人与事，唯一能做的，就是尽力而为的减少罢了。

且情，且珍惜啊。

真的要珍惜眼前人，因为此人可以在前一日仍然一起开心地嘻笑打闹，下一刻，可能是一场意外，亦或一场病，豪无预警地发生，从此，所余下的可能只有，所余下的可能只有过往共处时的遥远回忆了。就犹如化学试验般，有些变化，发生了就绝对无法回复到过去般模样与心境了。

受够了

我, 再也不会不会让人任意摆布, 践踏自己。我一直以为忍耐是一种尊重, 所以不会轻易对别人发飙。尽管自己的心里有多委屈。然, 原来"人的忍耐是有限度" 这句话的体会是这样的。
我以为是双赢的局面, 竟然是你口中的施舍, 那么说来, 我也可以不需要你的施舍。如此一来, 你可以不必再作你所谓的付出, 我也不必接受你随时随地的冷嘲热讽。
说实话, 我下去帮忙并不是为了你所以为是的安定, 而是因为你开口叫到。
你总以为没有人会像你这样'好心', 但是在我眼里, 再亲的亲人也没有权利的时时刻刻, 恶言相向。我在这社会大学里也打滚了十余年, 我从没有像今时今日这样每一天都觉得被羞辱。仿佛全世界只有一把尺, 就是你, 只要跟你的想法和作法不同, 就是错误。你如果错了, 那是情有可原, 别人若是错了, 就是白痴笨蛋加三级。
我, 因为你, 可能很快就离开, 咱们走着瞧。

Motivation

l think I have been unhappy long enough, it is agonizing to live every single day like it's a drag. You'll feel painfully alone in all the ordeals that you have to go through and you have no one to turn to. Talking to anyone Seems like the last option for fear that you'll be seen as weak or worse, whiney. And it just dawned on me that I have to Snap out of this sentiment sooner or later, if so, why not make it sooner.
I am not the centre of the universe, the world doesn't revolves around me. Life doesn't go the way I want it to simply because I'm bitter about it, and I have to Come to accept it, adapt myself to the world and be the best that I can.
I had always been a pushover in my life, listening to people had became such an integral part of me that I Sometimes forget that I am entitled to having an opinion as well.
I used to read a lot of Self-help books for personal development, which I had not done for quite a while, busy work schedule Was just an excuse for myself to not remind me of my inadequacy, which only serves to bruise my ego further.
Today, I Wish I'm better than myself before. I wish for an opportunity to turn back time but that wasn't an option. So, here l am , making the conscious decision to be the best of me, for me. To stand up for myself and be strong, to Turn a deaf ear to negativities and focus on the good. To be thankful and show gratitude and appreciation for people who crossed my path And Made it better.
Last but not the least, to give the 'million dollar smile' to anyone and everyone, because NO one deserves your bitterness. I remembered reading a quote that says' laughter is the shortest distance between 2 hearts. ' l just want to create pleasant memories to remember people by and for them to remember me by.
Now I seriously understand what it's like to be positive and be negative. And I'd Made my decision to be better than that. Not allowing myself to be daunted by the Circumstances in life.
OK! Ciaoz!

厌恶

如果活在这个世界上，每个人都跟你说，要怎么过活是你自己的选择，那么，我也能选择不要活不吗？反正，也是选择嘛。
我讨厌我自己，我不喜欢行尸走肉的自己，更讨厌儒弱敢怒不敢言的自已，我觉得我什么权利也不配拥有, 我好想结束这一切, 这是忧郁症吗? 如果是的话, 有人忧郁到死吗?
我不快乐, 尽管我的面皮是张笑脸, 那也只是我脸上的面具, 用来面对这个世界。快乐这个词汇对我来说, 太遥远。想逃。 这个世界不像是我的世界, 我不属于这里, 然, 我不属于任何地方, 所以, 我消失, 也许是最美好的办法。

自由与稳定

人生于世上无法所有事情都尽如人意，有时我们必须于稳定的生活与自由的日子之间做出诀择。快乐来自于可以对身边重要的人负责任，也可以是因为自己不顾一切地寻找自己生命之中的快活与潇遥。
生命中有我们无以负加的重量，亦有我们所不能承受的轻。说到来，也只能看当事人加何去选择。
我有一颗游子的 心，却被生活逼得挷手挷脚地，然，这一切也没有让我意志消沉，只要我能把今天掌控得很好，迟早我能在覆行我的责任之余，得到我自己心中的平静，不过我也明白这一切并非三两下功夫就能办到的。
须知，不经一番寒澈骨，哪得梅花扑鼻香。
如果，自由的代价是奋斗一段日子，我也就认了，倘若，自由的代价是家人的怨怠与三食不继，那我宁愿不要什么自由，因为那不是自由，那是自己的自私自利，是活该被千夫所指，被万人所唾弃的。
所谓，人有所为，有所不为，私慾是必然的，否则如何称之为人呢？但，绝计不能为了成就－已私慾而忘了家人与身边人的存在。
现下我眼前的事就快点把工作学上手，好让为了我而有所牺牲的身边的人能够轻松些，不至于所有的苦功都是白费的。
休息，对现在的我来说是一种奢侈，直到我感记到温缓的署光打在我的脸上，再来稍作休息也不迟。现在是报答的时候了。
加油吧，路还长着呢。
记着，孟了曰：天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，饿其体肤，劳其筋骨，行拂乱其所为，所以动心忍性。
晚安。

学习与成长

每一个人都有自己想要拥有的明天, 想象着自己理想达成的时候会有多么的满足。然而, 许多人只是干坐着, 等待这么一天的降临, 就犹如一个饥渴的旅者, 向天张大口, 等着天绛甘露般, 幸运的话, 可能会有一场及时雨, 为他解决了当下的渴, 然, 人生当中, 能有多少场这样的及时雨。
所以, 我觉得, 倒不如自己想方设法找水源, 倘若想要怀抱自己的梦想, 就让自己变得更好, 至少, 今天的我, 要比昨日的我更加优秀, 才能一步一脚印, 踏上自己向往的明天。
要成为一名实践者, 必先虚心学习。人生的实习不如在学校一般刻板, 每个人也有他的速度, 学习进度快固然理想, 但是, 欲速则不达。当然, 不要当个慢郎中, 因为, 拖延的只是自己辛苦的时间, 且让自己被生活的困苦或不如意消磨自己的意志罢了。
但凡做每件事都要有时间感, 不要让自己松懈得太多, 否则会习惯成自然, 变得怠惰, 而一旦惰性根深蒂固, 就很难再次提起劲去冲刺了。
学习, 是个毕生的过程, 必定有它的困难, 根本就不是件容易的事, 所以要培养好自己的心性, 不要让自己成为自己学习的绊脚石。