Volatility

I just realised. I am super emotional. Recently.
I'm practically drowning in my own emotions and thoughts most of the time. It is very unlike the usual me. You know, I used to write, to let off steam, but I was either expressionless or smiling, people around me probably only know me superficially,  only people who are important to me will start to know my thoughts, or rather, could tell when I'm genuinely smiling, or just part of the defense mechanism.
But lately, I feel the overwhelming needs to breakdown and cry several times, to run away from everything and everyone. I am wary of everything others said to me. I became paranoid. I keep feeling that I am inadequate for anything good going for me. I turn to writing, but what used to help me channel my aggression, grief or whatsoever, no longer works. In fact, it became worse. I just feel myself diminishing. My emotions are so volatile that I go from being on cloud nine to the deepest part of the valley with just a sentence from others. This change sometimes comes so rapidly that it scares me, because I wonder when I'll reach my threshold and decide to throw myself in front of a moving car. But I just thought it's selfish to do it for my instant gratification, but someone else, as in the driver, lives in guilt all his/her life.
When I thought of this, reminded me of 'Counting Stars' by One Republic.
'Old, but I'm not that old, young, but I'm not that bold'.
Nothing in this world seems to hold any appeal for me anymore. Everything just feel like a living hell every single day. :(

Self-deprecating

I remembered how I used to shout out to my friends in school whenever we see each other, I'd say HOSEHBO! And I'm totally interested when I said that. For those who are clueless,  its simply means isn't life great for you? It was always super enthusiastic,  I could not have imagine at that point of time, that a decade down the road, there are so many times, we asked 'How are you?' So many times but simply for formality's sake, and that I might not be really interested, but really asking because I got something to talk to you, and the question was merely to start the ball rolling.
Sad,  don't you think?
When have I stopped being enthusiastic about life's possibilities?
When have I stopped being interested in people around me?
When have I stopped being sincerely?
Looking back, its depressing to realise that I went from being genuinely interested in people, to dread talking to anyone at all at times. I shut everyone out!
I realised it is time to stop doing this to myself, it's killing me from inside. Being enthusiatic does not equates to being immature, it's about being passionate about Life, people and the things you do.
First step.
SMILE!

小宇宙

最近, 迷上网上观看视频, 尤其是一些网络红人的视频, 总觉得她们都好敢做敢为, 很有爆发力, 很多的她们甚至会在视频的里头传达她们的一些很正面的讯息, 偶然间, 我发现我关注的那些人很多都只是二十出头的年龄。
当然, 一个人的成熟与否, 跟实际年龄未必是成正比的, 但是, 这个发现让我意识到什么是蹉陀岁月。当我在她们那年龄, 什么社会意识, 什么精彩人生, 甚至在我脑海里没有存在的空间, 我当时的生活, 只有, 工作, 喝酒, 玩乐。我一直活在自己的小宇宙里, 对外界几乎不闻不问。
所以, 没有所以。
我的周围的人都说我有点自闭, 总用一些不着边际的废话来搪塞别人的关心。我决定, 要用多点心去关心别人, 不要只是存活, 我要过好我的人生。
每个人都有自己的至命伤, 一些难以启齿的畏惧, 但是我要战胜我的恐惧, 且跳出以往的阴霾, 我要扩大我的小宇宙。

晚安!

Self-absorbed

I've no idea if anyone is reading this, or perhaps its just my own self who really cares what goes on in my life. But really, if u read this, give me a sign,  leave a comment. Makes me realise I'm not just talking to myself.

I was talking previously about how adamant about me leaving my job, how I had a revelation, and that I was so sure of my decision. Well, not anymore. I'm not done yet. And I applaud myself for that.

I spoke to my manager about my suicidal thoughts on the job, about how devastated I was that no matter how much effort I put in, it seems so insignificant compared to the blunders I've made. I felt that I was no good for anything, how I have the special ability to just mess up a simple thing with a snap of my fingers. She told me otherwise, she had told me that my effort was seen, and I had made real progress in the past months, and the reason they rode me so hard was that they thought it'd make me even better. She told me she was glad I've opened up about my real opinions on the job and not just some politically correct answers like I always used to give.
When I told her I was 80% sure I want to leave, she'd told me by the progress I've made, im so not done yet.
And here I am. I suppose I will give it another go. With a limit of 6 months to see where I'll go. And I love how the law of attraction works, once I made this decision to stay on, I see even more advancement in my job.
Now, I realised I have to be less self-absorbed and stop seeing things on the surface, nobody will know what I'm thinking unless I share my thoughts, and that's what I'll do, it will not be easy, given that I prefer to write where only perfect strangers see and hold my silence in person.
Thanks for reading anyways, whoever you are. 

Decisions

It's amazing how a single moment changes everything, creates a paradigm shift.
Perhaps, let's get started on the 'before'.
There used to be times when I believed I am capable of extraordinary feats, and I had thought it was what I've always wanted. And as all these stories go, I've had a number of setbacks, it made me all the more fired up, because it's what you'll have to go through inevitably, in order to be somebody.
I tried and failed, tried again, failed again, I thought maybe its the wrong field, maybe another industry. I changed, tried and failed again... same thing happened after a few times, I switched playing field again, and now am notoriously known as job-hopper amongst peers.
I am not sure what physiological, or psychological changes went through me, but I had a revelation, that the reasons things are simply not happening to me is because, its not what I want. I can lie to the whole world, but I cant lie to myself. I strongly believe that if a job pushes you to the brink of suicide, its probably time to pause and think.
I was talking with my baby sister about all these and she was appalled, told me there's not second choice about this, I have to stop. But I was torn, I refuse to be a quitter, thats when she shared with me her recent honeymoon trip to Maldives, gave her time to think what are the things that kept her going in difficult times, turns out, it was not complicated at all, by saying that, I meant the simpler pleasures in living a life, looking at the skies. Its not the high-handed life of branded bags, expensive cars, priviledge club memberships.
Then, I understood.
And I told her I'll resign, I could tell she was genuinely glad for me. All these was 2 nights ago.

Yesterday's and this morning, I had no troubles waking up at all, because I'm no longer sick to the core about going to work. I stop dreading it, because the decision had taken the pressure off everything. I just want to sing and dance and celebrate the decision!!

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what I do, as long as its authentically me. I just want to be a smiling person with a quiet soul. I dont need a say in anybody else's life, except my own. I don't need to answer the damned phone when I don't feel like it. I don't need to pretend that I'm okay and motivated when its eating me out. I don't need to have people teaching me how to talk to certain people, if I dont feel like it, I just don't.

Sorry if this bores you, I was just having a moment with myself. :)

放手还是放弃。

这个世界有时候很奇怪。
有些理念告诉你，不要强求，不要执著，要懂得放手。
有些人告诉你，要获得就要付出，直到你吃饭呼吸睡觉都在想着你的目标，你就离成功不远。

所以？什么时候，放弃继续是放开执著，什么时候的放弃是半途而废。

我是个很简单的人，满足于很简单的东西，比如，时间，看世界，平静。
然，我又是个摇摆不定的人，别人只要一直灌输我某种思想，渐渐地，我会以为我就是某种人。曾几何时，我花了几年的时间摸索着人生，才发现，我的快乐，真的很简单。物质生活，刚好就好，其它的奢侈品，可有可无。

我以为，我很有野心。但是，我想散步的心比野心还大，野心不足以让我费尽所有心思，它会让我害怕，会让我迷失。有些人，是天生的领导者，我，是天生的脱队者，我不想领导群雄，我只想一个人去骑车，旅行，吃饭，看书。不怎么想知道别人的想法，局限别人的想法，塑造别人的人生，这个压力太大，说实话，也不关我的事。
所以，我想放手了。
做我自己，过我自己的生活。快乐与否，我自己负责。
是吊儿郎当? 还是随遇而安？真的，只是毫无意义的形容词。

When you were lost

Sometimes, the things that are happening to you at the present moment can feel very overwhelming, like it occupies your entire living space, and failing of which to look at these issues, it shows your mindlessness and carelessness.
But, if you would just take a step back and look at the situation, it just seems so surreal, like it didnt even matter, to a big extent.
However, most of the times, we are blindsided by all these fiascos that we might not have the mental capacity or insights to look at things objectively,  and honestly, probably need to find someone whom you are comfortable, to talk to. You'll never know if they can give you the most invaluable piece of advice.

be better

The world's your oyster.
Well, yes. And there's Absolutely a chance that the oyster is not fresh, and you get the runs afterwards.
Are we supposed to be trusting, kind natured, take people for their words? Or should we jump in to penalizes another individual and be so insecure about verbal agreement that everything has to be in black and white?
Apparently, the latter.
Well, spare me no thoughts as this is just Rantings about how in the early morning, someone chose to blast his head off, into my ears. And during the confrontation, all I can think of, is profanities. The world is a vicious world. People are just waiting for your downfall and step on you when you are already down. What's the best? Is that you can do nothing about it. When you try to give others the benefits of the doubts, they will think of ways to protect themselves, and hurting you in the process.
I understand the whole cover-your-ass part, what I don't is, when in a perfect professional settings, why does the reprimand so very unprofessional that it's almost personal attacks. Really?
I admit I do not have an eye for details, it's almost painful to admit given the effort I put in to be such, but please don't make it personal. I will not do anything to anyone, oF course, so I'll need to rant so that I would not go crazy.
I remember when a smile goes a long way, and when you have nothing good to say, don't say. These values seemed so distant and obscure that it is no longer applicable in this dog-eat-dog world.

Have a nice day!

写封信给十年后的自己

亲爱的自己，

这是二十九岁的你，写给三十九岁的你的一封信。
想要问问你，过得怎样呢？ 快乐吗？
希望你已经领略了心中的平静，因为，时间的熏陶，让你像一瓶成年好酒，日益优越。你是否发现你以前所重视的东西，其实可有可无？
你是否展翅高飞，离家去闯荡世界了？ 你看过了几个山脉？到过了尼泊尔了吗？
你学会爱人了吗？ 遇到让你可以抛弃一切去牺牲的人了吗？ 希望你是幸福的。
二十九岁的你，忧郁，沉闷，怕事，健忘，冲动。
希望三十九岁的你，以上的形容词再也不适合你。
你还记得 butterfly effect 吗？世界一端的一只蝴蝶挥动翅膀，足以在世界的另一端引起旋风，你过去的每一个决定足以蒲陈你现在所拥有或失去的每一个人事物，所以依然要慎言慎行。
不过不要忘了世界是你的游乐场，每一个经历都是你的云霄飞车和旋转木马，尽情的享受那过程吧，因为人生的每一个时刻，都只能活一次，没有得倒带重来。

谢谢你过得好。晚安。

透视眼

想想, 如果我有双透视眼, 不晓得会快乐还是难过啊。

每个人都有自己自主的权利, 自己与别不同的想法。这绝对是基本的人权。然而, 有些人, 不喜欢把想法说出来, 却在背后做许多的小动作。跟这种人接触, 好累。一天工作下来, 就在一味地猜测他究竟是何想法。你就开始希望你有猜心的能力。

当你一旦有了这能力, 你以为所向无敌了, 任何人耍的心机你都能看得透。突然间, 你无法得到一刻的平静, 因为人的思绪有时太天马行空了, 带着你上山下海, 可以边看一本书, 头脑却带着你去攀爬一座瀑布。

顿时, 所有的痛苦烟消云散, 所有的快乐人间蒸发, 你发现, 还是普通点得好, 选择太多未必是件好事, 两全齐美, 只是个幌子。

Embrace yourself

I think I've had enough. NO! I know I've had enough. How painful living almost 30years in this world, still not being able to accept myself for who I truly am?

Honestly, I felt my first crush in my secondary school, or what some of you called high school. I was fourteen. I thought we were gonna be BFF. but, it turned out that people around us realised it was a kittle more than that, and started talking, thats where the distance begin to widen somehow. And I had no idea what happened, until years later, one of my good friend told me so. In fact, I hadn't the slightest idea that it was a crush, well, being in a co-ed school, all these are probably taboo anyways.

It was only until when I was seventeen, I was involved in a school event, that eventually leading me to meet my first love( or puppy love), that was when I realised my lack of interest in boys or relationship with boys, I had thought I was so emotionally retarded, that I'll most likely be alone. And nope, didn't work out well even. Just held hands and peck on the cheeks, thats all. But hey, thats how I came to understand the meaning of being in love. How all the physiological factors like gender, doesnt matter any more, it's only about who the other person is.

What do you think?

Coming back stronger

At some points of time in life, it's very normal to feel that you'd reach the threshold of pains that you can bear with silently. No one could dispute that.

And that's the reason why everyone will need a 'Off' time. To become self-absorbed, spending time with just yourself, do some thinking that you probably do not have the luxury of time during your other times, because there is always something important happening all the time.

On our regular days, we have a business facade, a side of us that only business associates would have seen us in, and it is extremely taxing to try to keep that up all the time, so we need to make use of our 'Off' times to recharge. To do the things you really enjoy, probably, sports, singing, writing. Whatever that calms your mind and make you who you are.

Sometimes, even doing nothing can be therapeutic, because you are not exactly doing nothing, your mind keeps wandering, and you'll perhaps find out more about yourself in this idle time.

如果

有人曾经告诉我, 世界上最毒的果就是如果。
人, 常常活在自怨自艾的状态。不满足, 就是人类的天性。而后悔, 就会随之降临。仿佛, 回头看就会让自己好过些。但是, 世事往往事与愿违。

如果, 我用心点读书。
如果, 我不那么意氣用事。
如果, 我对我的前任更好点。
如果, 我不那么冲动辞去那份工作。
如果, 我买了那次的大彩。

但是, 没有如果。我们的能力再优越, 也不可能把时空倒转, 回到我们最悔恨的时间点, 把那件, 扭转了我们人生的大事, 从新再来一次。说真的, 尽管我们能如此奇迹般回到过去, 只要周遭的人事物依然如夕, 相信我们应该会重蹈复轍, 让历史一而再地重复。知道像什么吗? 就像一位车手在一场车赛中, 他的目光一直停留在往后镜, 而不是前方的终点, 一直想着, 最后造成輕则伤, 重则亡的下场。

所以, 别再想着如果了。人生不像演戏, 没有得重來, 活在今天, 活出当下, 自然会发现, 人生, 不虚此行了。再活在如果之中, 最终只会自食其果罢了。

GRASP

Its amazing how through my journey since I stepped out into the society, take on the world's challenge, and went into many different fields of work. I've learnt a lot of things, soft skills, hard knowledge, but truly, human memories sometimes can be not as trustworthy as you'd like it to be.

I remembered conducting training about how a career in sales can be sustainable through a certain set of core values, doing it day in day out, I never would have thought I'd forget about it, until this morning. As I was trying to think of ways to make my current work better, I remembered these Acronyms, and I hadn't the slightest idea what it meant, just me staring at the letters and it back at me. And the best part? It has only been a year, since my previous career.

So, I figured I shall now blog it, so that it is in writings, and I can refer back to it as and when I require some refreshment course. Bear with me. Or better, I hope it helps you too.

G.R.A.S.P

GETTING ALONG WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE
We have all heard the sayings, birds of the same feather flock together. Same goes in  life, you're as good as your team. Associating yourself with the right people will allow you to adapt your perspective to the right course, be around people whom you want to be like. Don't try to change people whom refused to be changed. They are the ones who'll diss you ambitions and believe you're not going to go anywhere in life, just like they are. They are toxic, dreams stealers, leaners.

RESPONSIBILITY Take charge,  take ownership of your life. Understand that no one cares for your future as much as you do. Your achievement in life depends on what you do, not what your neighbours or your siblings do. I once had a teacher told me this, be so good at what you do that you are indispensable. And in order to do so, the onus is on you to keep doing better than you did yesterday,  be better than yourself yesterday.

ATTITUDE
There's a cliché quote I've read somewhere that says, Your attitude determines your altitude in life. And you know what? Its true, many entrepreneurs or successful individuals do not have it good for them right at the start of their endeavours, contrary to popular beliefs, they were dealt so many lousy hands, had so many painful experiences that when they were given lemons, they made lemonade. Their hard work overcompensate their disadvantages that they became wildly successful. When things start to go their ways, they don't stop, they just kept running. 

SYSTEM

Every things function with a system, just like the sun rises at dawn, sets at dusk. In order to achieve any level of success, there must be some system set in place so that everything is duplicable, and that is the main reason why some businesses grow to a huge scale and some business simply find it hard to take off. The more defined the system is, the more it can be copied. Its exactly the reason why companies like IKEA are earning bucks by the millions, because of the products that they sell, be it in their showrooms, or when you bring it home to assemble yourself, it is going to look the same, and this is what people appreciate, predictability. 

PROFITABILITY

And, by achieving the above-mentioned, be it in an organization or in an individual, it is certain that profitability is either presenting itself, or in the pipeline. And in order to make sure you are profitable, you must know your numbers. chart your own statistics, be aware of your own rates of closure. This is so that you do not base your success and profitability on your psychological state, for example, my lover gave me encouragement today, I feel like a winner, I am profitable. No. No such things, everything is a Number Game, numbers are your attempts, numbers are your results, Numbers, are what matter. Not your emotions. 

Alright. So basically, I just had a refresher course on GRASP. And I now understand the concepts at a deeper level. Cheers! 

The journey

Everyone has a different journey in Life, came from different places, headed for different ways, wants different kind of experiences along the way, hold dear to different values in their hearts.
No two persons could be the same. How you turn out to be depends largely on the things your journey threw in your way, and the ways you'd reacted or responded.
So, I want to share 3 things I'd have to have in my life journey!

1. Enthusiasm
This is so simple that most forgot about it, but enthusiasm, and the hunger and curiosity of Life, are the things that when goings get tough, and you know you can't run, these positive reinforcement make it easier, and make you feel tough enough to get going. Sometimes, its like a placebo effect, you just have to fake it till uiu have it.

2. Failures
I'm re-reading a book, Failing Forward by John C Maxwell. I'm sure you'll know how the word, Failure, has such extensive negative connotations, that people all around fought hard to avoid this. Seriously, if you dont feel failure at all, you're probably not living enough, the world is so unpredictable and uncontrollable, things get out of hands ever so often. We have to put failure into perspective,  treat it as an isolated incidents and not take it personally. 

3. Travelling
Travelling is so liberating. Where you can just momentarily forget who you are and see the world for what its worth. Let your hair down and enjoy what the world's has to offer.