Decisions

It's amazing how a single moment changes everything, creates a paradigm shift.
Perhaps, let's get started on the 'before'.
There used to be times when I believed I am capable of extraordinary feats, and I had thought it was what I've always wanted. And as all these stories go, I've had a number of setbacks, it made me all the more fired up, because it's what you'll have to go through inevitably, in order to be somebody.
I tried and failed, tried again, failed again, I thought maybe its the wrong field, maybe another industry. I changed, tried and failed again... same thing happened after a few times, I switched playing field again, and now am notoriously known as job-hopper amongst peers.
I am not sure what physiological, or psychological changes went through me, but I had a revelation, that the reasons things are simply not happening to me is because, its not what I want. I can lie to the whole world, but I cant lie to myself. I strongly believe that if a job pushes you to the brink of suicide, its probably time to pause and think.
I was talking with my baby sister about all these and she was appalled, told me there's not second choice about this, I have to stop. But I was torn, I refuse to be a quitter, thats when she shared with me her recent honeymoon trip to Maldives, gave her time to think what are the things that kept her going in difficult times, turns out, it was not complicated at all, by saying that, I meant the simpler pleasures in living a life, looking at the skies. Its not the high-handed life of branded bags, expensive cars, priviledge club memberships.
Then, I understood.
And I told her I'll resign, I could tell she was genuinely glad for me. All these was 2 nights ago.

Yesterday's and this morning, I had no troubles waking up at all, because I'm no longer sick to the core about going to work. I stop dreading it, because the decision had taken the pressure off everything. I just want to sing and dance and celebrate the decision!!

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what I do, as long as its authentically me. I just want to be a smiling person with a quiet soul. I dont need a say in anybody else's life, except my own. I don't need to answer the damned phone when I don't feel like it. I don't need to pretend that I'm okay and motivated when its eating me out. I don't need to have people teaching me how to talk to certain people, if I dont feel like it, I just don't.

Sorry if this bores you, I was just having a moment with myself. :)